


A Good Talk

by toyhto



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe, Flirting, Hanging around in Iowa, M/M, Strangers meeting for the first time, Texting, they don't know each other yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-10 04:11:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11119656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyhto/pseuds/toyhto
Summary: Jim accidentally messages a wrong person.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The concept of this story is inspired by [Text Talk](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1651109/chapters/3501239), a HP fic in which a text message is sent to a wrong person. Also I tagged this to both TOS and AOS mostly because I couldn't choose: I think this AU setting could be loosely linked to either of them.
> 
> I think there're going to be two or three chapters in total!

_Get your ass here right now_  
  
I would rather not. May I enquire who this is?  
  
_You know very well who this is, Bones. Just god damn get here already  
  
_ I certainly do not know. Additionally, I do not see the relevance of ‘Bones’ in this context.  
  
_So you aren’t Bones._  
  
Affirmative.  
  
_Sorry.  
  
I think I’ve messed up with my communicator again.  
  
_ ‘Again’ seems to imply this is not the first time you have mistakenly required a person you do not know to remove their ‘ass’ to your current location by your request.  
  
_Yeah. Sorry.  
  
So, who’re you?_  
  
I am surprised that this communication has not ceased yet.  
  
_Bones has cruelly abandoned me. I have to talk to someone or I’ll go mad.  
  
_ Your situation indeed seems desperate.  
  
I suggest that you renew your attempt to contact this ‘Bones’.  
  
_I’ve given up on him. I’m talking to you now. Where’re you?_  
  
That is highly irrelevant.  
  
_Come on. I’m stuck in a bar because Bones was supposed to get me home but he met a clever girl who can talk medicine and now he’s disappeared and I’m too drunk to drive my motorcycle home  
  
I might trash it  
  
Can’t take a risk like that. It’s my babe. My only love now that Bones has le  
  
Sorry. Someone came to talk to me. I told her I’m busy  
  
What’re you doing?_  
  
I am currently considering whether I should allow this communication continue or not.  
  
_I’m touched. Please man keep me company  
  
Of course I don’t know if you are but anyway  
  
_ Are you referring to my species or my gender?  
  
_Both. Now that you ask  
  
_ I am a Vulcan male.  
  
_Oh shit. I’m flirting with a Vulcan male_  
  
If I have managed to correctly understand the human term ‘flirting’, I strongly argue you are not ‘flirting’ with me.  
  
_Yes I am. I’m sitting in an almost empty bar, abandoned by my best friend, and my lonely eyes are fixed on my communicator with which I’m constantly messaging you in a vague hope that you’ll feel for me.  
  
_ I am not going to ‘feel for you’ as Vulcans do not ‘feel’.  
  
_It was a metaphor  
  
Now where are you?  
  
Okay, I’ll start. I’m in Iowa.  
  
_ I have absolutely no use for that information.  
  
_So you aren’t here.  
  
_ That is highly irrelevant.  
  
_So you are here  
  
!!!  
  
Where here? Not in the same bar though. I’d notice if there was a Vulcan male staring at his communicator._  
  
As you have stated that the bar is ‘almost empty’, I do not doubt that unless your observation skills are extremely low.  
  
_You’re a funny guy  
  
_ I am not a ‘funny guy’.  
  
_Sure you are. I’m actually smiling. People will think I’m more drunk than I really am because I keep smiling._  
  
That seems like a highly illogical gesture since there is nothing ‘funny’ in the conversation we are currently engaged in.  
  
_I’m so happy I contacted you and not Bones. Bones would have just told me to fuck off  
  
Are you still there?_  
  
Yes. I am considering whether I should mention that the person who tells you to ‘fuck off’ might not be a required companion.  
  
_He’s my best friend. That’s probably why he talks to me like that._  
  
Fascinating.  
  
I have read multiple papers on the subject of the human conception of logic being highly insufficient but I was not aware of the depth of this phenomenon.  
  
Since you have not replied my last message, I must assume you consider my observation of your illogical social behavior interesting and are now contemplating the idea.  
  
_I’m happy to fascinate you  
  
But really Bones got back  
  
He’s very cranky because as he says I’m supposed to be an adult and I shouldn’t be so helpless when left alone in the bar  
  
But he’s not being fair. I wasn’t in the right mood to talk to strangers  
  
_ You have been ‘talking’ to me for thirty-three point five Earth minutes.  
  
_Glad you noticed. I have to go now, Bones is taking me home and he keeps asking why I’m staring at my communicator. He thinks it’s a love interest who’s not good for me.  
  
_ My knowledge of the term ‘love interest’ is insufficient but I fail to see how the data available supports that hypothesis.  
  
_It doesn’t, Bones just is over-protective sometimes  
  
Also he says he’s going to take my communicator and ask you about your intentions towards me  
  
So good night stranger  
  
_ I believe ‘good’ is a normative adjective and it is highly illogical to use it to define ‘night’.  
  
However, I am aware of the phrase.  
  
Good night.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_Good morning stranger  
  
Are you up yet?  
  
_ If you refer to the vertical direction of my body, I am ‘up’.  
  
_I meant to ask if you’re awake.  
  
I’m glad to hear you are now.  
  
And you didn’t ask who this is  
  
So you remember me  
  
_ I do not have multiple humans sending me illogical messages with no apparent purpose. In addition, I have not suffered a memory loss after last night. Therefore, yes, I remember you.  
  
_Just thought to inform you that Bones took me home alright  
  
And that I had had a few beers when we talked last night  
  
Mainly because I was so pissed with Bones but anyway  
  
I hope I didn’t say anything stupid  
  
_ 94.3 percent of the content of your messages was highly illogical.  
  
_I’m beginning to think you like logic  
  
_ I am a Vulcan. I do not ‘like’ ‘things’. However, I find logic one of few aspects in life that is always reliable.  
  
_That was almost beautiful  
  
Also pretty deep. I just woke up. I can’t handle deep before I get coffee  
  
What’s your name?  
  
_ Spock  
  
_!!!  
  
You told me  
  
I thought you’d say something witty  
  
I’m Jim  
  
James T. Kirk  
  
You can call me Jim  
  
Nice to meet you  
  
_ I do not think this counts as ‘meeting’.  
  
_Yeah I’d prefer face to face too but I can’t move before I get my coffee  
  
And I’m staying here with Bones and he’d get suspicious if I went anywhere this early in the morning  
  
You still there?  
  
_ Affirmative.  
  
I believe I need to inform you that I did not mean to suggest meeting you in person.  
  
_I know. I’m just kidding  
  
Although I like talking to you  
  
You’re much funnier than Bones  
  
_ I find that very difficult to believe since I am not physically capable of being ‘funny’.  
  
_Yes you are  
  
So Spock what do you do?_  
  
I am currently about to consume a meal.  
  
_Sounds nice  
  
But I kind of meant to ask what you do in general. In life.  
  
_ I would kindly ask you to elaborate that question.  
  
_You already kind of told me you are in Iowa. I haven’t yet figured out what you could do in Iowa. Are you working here?_  
  
Affirmative.  
  
_Tell me something  
  
Please  
  
Bones is telling me that my breakfast is unhealthy and that my stubborn ass is going to die young if I keep on eating shit like this  
  
_ I am going to refrain from mentioning the abstract way in which you used multiple terms in your previous message.  
  
_Thanks  
  
I’m a student in Starfleet Academy  
  
Now tell me what you do  
  
If you want to  
  
Please  
  
I’d like to get to know you  
  
_ That seems like a highly illogical aspiration.  
  
I am a science officer in Starfleet. As I am currently assigned to Earth and I have been asked to take a ‘vacation’ to ‘rest’ and have ‘fun’, I have decided to do research on the matter of social behavior of humans.  
  
_So basically you’re just spending your time in Iowa hanging around with humans.  
  
_ I have no intension to participate in ‘hanging’ of any sort.  
  
However, I believe the main idea of your statement is correct.  
  
_Are you studying me??  
  
Right now?  
  
_ Your response seems oddly emotional.  
  
_If you are, please tell me so that I can be in my best behavior.  
  
_ That might cause considerable lack of reliability to occur in the results.  
  
Furthermore, my knowledge of ethics considering research is excellent. You are not an unwilling and unknowing subject in my study.  
  
_You can study me if you want though  
  
I wouldn’t mind  
  
It might be even fun  
  
What should I do?  
  
_ Is it usual for human communication to change subjects in such an illogical manner?  
  
_Definitely  
  
But it’s not illogical at all. You’re doing research on humans and I’m volunteering. Consider yourself lucky.  
  
_ I will not. ‘Luck’ is a concept Vulcans do not recognize.  
  
_I should have known you are a scientist by the way you speak. And all that talk about logic.  
  
I hope you’re enjoying your time in Iowa as well  
  
Although I’m not sure if that’s possible  
  
You know I kind of came here for a break because everyone was talking about going home and it got me in the end  
  
And I’m happy I managed to make Bones come with me  
  
But this place hasn’t improved at all since I was a kid  
  
And that’s probably why Bones is grumpy and I had too many beers last night  
  
Actually the best thing that has happened is that I messaged you instead of Bones last night  
  
And I think Bones is happy too, he keeps sighing very pointedly but really he’s just glad he has a moment of peace  
  
Spock?  
  
_ Present.  
  
Your pace of sending messages was so rapid I did not have time to consider logical responses.  
  
_Logic isn’t really a thing in human communications. Mark that down for your paper  
  
_ Thank you. I will consider it.  
  
_I was kind of kidding again. But really if you wanted to see me I’d be glad to be an example of human behavior.  
  
Bones wants to warn you that I’ll wreck your study  
  
I told him what we’re talking about  
  
But I really wouldn’t  
  
I just think it would be fun to see you  
  
_ I fail to understand how seeing me would be ‘fun’.  
  
And there are approximately 57.23 Earth kilometers between my location and yours.  
  
_What?!  
  
You checked out where I am?  
  
How did you do it?  
_  
It seems that I have to remind you that I am a science officer in Starfleet. Tracing the location of your communicator is not the most difficult task I am capable of.  
  
_You traced my location!!  
  
You want to know where I am!  
  
_ ‘Want’ is highly irrelevant in this case.  
  
_You want to come to see me!  
  
I’ll tell Bones  
  
We can put you to my mother’s bedroom  
  
She’s not there, don’t worry  
  
We have the house for ourselves, me and Bones. We’re going to have so much fun when you get there  
  
_ I believe you are soon to practice one of those illogical change of subjects that are customary for human communication.  
  
_Sorry  
  
But I mean it  
  
If you get bored with your research please come visit us  
  
I bet you’ll like Bones  
  
You seem like a guy who eats his vegetables just fine  
  
Bones admires that  
  
Oh shit Bones is asking too many questions  
  
He wants to know how the hell I’ve managed to get this attached to someone I’ve never seen  
  
He disapproves my social skills in general and he’s quite right because I can very well talk to people but he’s pretty much the only one that’s stuck with me  
  
_ How unfortunate for him. Furthermore, I suggest you inform him that if ‘someone’ you are referring to is supposed to be me, we are not attached.  
  
_Sure we are. You keep answering my messages.  
  
Bones tells me you seem like a pretty clever guy and you’ll get frustrated if I’m too clingy  
  
Also he wants to go for a walk  
  
A WALK  
  
That’s utterly illogical isn’t it  
  
_ I need more data to affirm that. In many situations walking is indeed a very logical choice.  
  
_But we’re going to do it for fun  
  
Or for exercise which is worse  
  
Come save me  
  
That was a joke. But you could come to visit us anyway. I mean that. Just tell me when you’re coming  
  
_ I am rather certain I will not be ‘coming’.  
  
_I’ll talk you around  
  
Talk to you later Spock  
  
_ That is acceptable.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_Spock I made it  
  
I’m back home  
  
Bones wanted us to run but I refused and he couldn’t make me do it  
  
So how’re you?  
  
_ My state of being has not considerably changed after our latest interaction ceased one point three Earth hours ago.  
  
However, I am pleased to know you have ‘made it’. Additionally, I am concerned about your general ability of ‘making it’ if you were concerned about ‘taking a walk’.  
  
_Spock you can’t keep using those quotes if you want to do a field study about humans  
  
You quote every normal word you use  
  
_ I suppose that by ‘normal’ you are making a reference to terms that are not precise. I must remind you that they do not belong in scientific language.  
  
_Fine  
  
I like it anyway  
  
So that you know  
  
But I’m a little concerned about your study  
  
How many humans have you talked to let’s say this week?  
  
_ The question is irrelevant since my main method of research is observation.  
  
The answer is eight point three.  
  
_SPOCK  
  
What the hell is POINT THREE doing there  
  
You can’t count humans in decimals  
  
Bones agrees and he knows because he’s a doctor  
  
_ I am pleased about the interest you are showing in my definition of variables.  
  
Obviously, I have defined a ‘conversation’ and therefore when the situation involves talking but does not count as a conversation, I mark it down with decimals to be exact.  
  
I can assure you that every human I have talked to is still mentally and physically complete.  
  
_I wasn’t really worried. For some reason I don’t think you are very violent  
  
Thanks for clarification anyway  
  
But about your method of research  
  
_ Mr. Kirk, has some sudden change occurred in your current state that prevents you from contacting me anymore?  
  
If not, I would kindly ask you to resume your previous topic.  
  
_Oh my god Spock don’t call me mister  
  
I’m JIM  
  
_ I have been informed that ‘mister’ or ‘Mr.’ is a correct way of addressing a human male in a polite manner in this society.  
  
_Yeah sure if you’re talking to a customer or a professor or an old man or something like that  
  
But I’m not an old man and I’m asking you to please not make me feel like one. Just call me Jim.  
  
You should anyway because we are now friends  
  
_ I will now make an attempt to resume our previous topic. Is that acceptable?  
  
_Yeah sorry I got distracted when Bones began talking to me  
  
I sense that you got upset because I criticized your method of reseach.  
  
_ You did not criticize it. Your exact phrase was ‘but about your method of research’. Furthermore, I am not capable of being ‘upset’.  
  
_Now you’re upset that I said you’re upset  
  
Sorry  
  
I’m kind of teasing you here, you know. But it’ll make your study better that you learn to understand human stupidity, oh sorry I meant human illogicalness  
  
:)_  
  
May I require what that is?  
  
_:)  
  
;)  
  
Yeah you can  
  
This is an emoticon  
  
Very retro  
  
Humans used these in written communication in 2010s so much they forgot how to actually make expressions with their faces  
  
Haha I’m kidding  
  
But they used these a lot  
  
Now it’s like a hipster thing really  
  
_ I require more information. Can you clarify how ‘:)’ is connected to your inaccurate statement of humans losing their ability to show expressions on their face?  
  
_Just tilt your head to the left and look at it  
  
It looks like a smiling human face  
  
_ I fail to see the resemblance. I would estimate it highly improbable that either one of those ‘emoticons’ you have provided me would considerably improve communication.  
  
_Well they’re doing plenty for us right now  
  
;)  
  
That was like an ancient way to tell you I’m kidding  
  
Do you want to get back to the original topic? Your method of research  
  
_ Yes, please.  
  
_Here you go then: I was only going to say that if the point of your research is to understand human behavior  
  
Observation is probably a good method to start with but I genuinely think your research would benefit if you used methods that involve participating  
  
_ I fail to see how thinking can be genuine.  
  
However, your statement seems rather interesting.  
  
Continue, please.  
  
_Sure. I mean, you must agree that humans aren’t logical  
  
So if you as a perfectly logical Vulcan scientist only observe human behavior and describe it, you’ll probably end up interpreting it all by your own way of thinking which is as we have stated very different from the human perspective  
  
So you might get everything wrong  
  
I mean not WRONG don’t get mad but you might describe human behavior very well but still miss the whole point of why they’re doing whatever they’re doing and how does it actually work_  
  
It is pleasant that you want to discuss the methods of this research with me and I will admit that your statement is quite logical.  
  
However, I have to notify you that my attempts to engage in a conversation with a human have not been successful. I might even say that 89.3 percent of these conversations has left both me and the human counterpart very frustrated.  
  
_Only 89.3 percent ha  
  
Spock, I have an idea  
  
You could have like one test subject  
  
And by test subject I mean a human who would participate in your study  
  
So you could get to know this person and you would have a chance to learn something about illogical human communication and also they’d now you’re a bit weird in a very nice way so they wouldn’t get frustrated with you  
  
Like if there just happened to be someone in Iowa who has pretty much nothing else to do  
  
A nice and clever and dare I say pretty hot young man who also happens to be studying in Starfleet Academy so I think you two have a starting point for your conversations  
  
He’s also a bit reckless if you believe his friends but really he just messes up sometimes. He doesn’t know why, it just happens  
  
He has very nice eyes too  
  
Humans like to look into each other’s eyes so there’s going to be some of that happening. You should be relieved to know that his eyes are so nice  
  
I can’t believe that rhymed  
  
I mean, he’s not a very poetic guy. He’s more into action, like, trying to fix things and messing up and then trying to fix things again and usually in the end he gets everything sorted. Kind of. Don’t ask Bones  
  
COME ON SPOCK  
  
_ Jim, as you illogically wish to be addressed, I do not understand the sudden change of topic in your conversation.  
  
However, this human you are describing sounds like a fascinating individual for the purpose of my research. If you should encounter with a person with similar qualities than one you described, I would be pleased to consider whether I might contact him and inquire his willingness to participate in the study.  
  
_Oh my god Spock  
  
It’s me  
  
The guy is me  
  
I’m describing myself  
  
I was trying to be pretty obvious about that  
  
Like when I said that his eyes are nice  
  
Spock? Answer me I’m getting worried and Bones is glaring at me  
  
_ ‘Nice’ is not a very accurate term and therefore it was illogical to expect I would recognize you by the description of your eyes being ‘nice’.  
  
_Yeah but  
  
I wouldn’t be talking about some hypothetic imaginary guy saying his eyes are nice  
  
OH GOD  
  
SPOCK  
  
You haven’t seen my eyes  
  
So LOGICALLY you should have said that you can’t recognize me by the description of my eyes because you haven’t seen them  
  
!!!!!  
  
_ I suppose that by the use of capital letters and exclamation marks you mean to imply that you are ‘angry’.  
  
_I’m not angry Spock  
  
This is why humans invented emoticons, it’s difficult to show emotion in writing  
  
I’m confused so please tell me  
  
You haven’t seen my eyes, have you?  
  
_ I have not seen your eyes in person. However, as I am a scientist officer in Starfleet and you are a student in Starfleet Academy, it was a very simple task to check your student file which, as you know, involves your picture as a tool of identification.  
  
  _!!! You hacked the school computer system to see how I look!  
  
And !!! means that I’m surprised but like happy surprised  
  
I didn’t know you had it in you Mr. Spock  
  
_ You have previously stated your discomfort about me addressing you as Mr. Kirk so I might now ask you to consider the same thing.  
  
_You’re a fast learner Spock although this time I didn’t mean to imply you are an old man  
  
Although I don’t actually know if you are  
  
_ I assure you I am not ‘an old man’.  
  
And it seems quite important to inform you that I have not hacked anything as you expressed it. My means of acquiring the information were completely legal.  
  
In addition, it was perfectly logical to gather information about the human with whom I was communicating.  
  
_You were curious, I get it  
  
So you LEGALLY checked out how I look  
  
Tell me  
  
_ I do not understand your seemingly illogical request.  
  
_Yes you do Spock  
  
Tell me how I look  
  
_ You look like a human male.  
  
_A bit more accurate please. And be kind. I have a soft heart_  
  
I hope that is not a medical condition but rather an interesting phenomenon you have previously called a metaphor.  
  
_Yes it’s a metaphor, well done Spock. I mean that if you find me unpleasant to look at please don’t tell me. Or try to put it very nicely because I’ll be sad.  
  
_ I do not find you unpleasant to look at.  
  
_Oh Spock you think I’m pretty  
  
Go on  
  
_ I have been under impression that ‘pretty’ is a term usually referring to feminine characters in a human.  
  
I do not find you very feminine.  
  
_Well yeah. But you can call me pretty if you want to. I’m kind of using that word because I’m teasing you a little here. Not much though  
  
I’m very happy that you think I’m a handsome man, Spock.  
  
_ I suppose the dictionary description of ‘handsome’ is quite suitable.  
  
_I’m kind of blushing here  
  
I probably shouldn’t tell you that though  
  
But Bones is staring at me asking questions  
  
I’m trying to get rid of him but he keeps following me_  
  
I believe I do not have adequate knowledge of humans to fully understand the cultural meanings considering that ‘blushing’ you mentioned. Therefore, I find Bones’ behavior highly illogical.  
  
_Well he’s kind of chasing me because I blushed but it’s not the main point of it  
  
I’m sorry I can’t explain it right now  
  
I have to get Bones off my back  
  
Talk to you later Spock  
  
_ ‘Get Bones off my back’?  
  
Please contact me, Jim. I am logically concerned.  
  
_Don’t be I’ll be fine  
  
I think  
_  
I hope you are not mistaken.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_I didn’t know ‘hope’ was a Vulcan thing._  
  
Greetings, Jim.  
  
I suppose you are maintaining functionally regardless of the problem you experienced with Bones.  
  
_Yes I am, don’t worry. Bones wasn’t literally on my back but more like grabbing my shoulder._  
  
This seems like a yet another highly illogical aspect of human communication.  
  
_Bones is worried about your safety and my heart.  
  
_ I suggest you inform Bones that it is highly improbable any considerable risk to my well-being would occur in Iowa. Furthermore, I have a phaser. I also want to restate my concern over the medical condition of your heart.  
  
_Bones says you sound like a well-prepared guy. And my heart is medically speaking fine  
  
Bones says I eat too little vegetables but besides that  
  
But really the CONFLICT I’m currently having with Bones is about him thinking that I like you too much  
  
Too much considering that I haven’t even seen you yet  
  
_ I am somehow unfamiliar with the concept of liking but regarding the papers I have read it does not correlate with seeing.  
  
_I just read your message to Bones and he now looks very confused  
  
Good job Spock  
  
And for the record, ‘liking’ means that you keep answering my messages even though I’m a highly illogical human  
_  
I find your definition of the concept very clarifying. You should participate in the writing of human-Vulcan cultural dictionaries.  
  
_Well I’m volunteering for your study right?  
  
When are you going to come to pick me up?_  
  
_Sorry Spock I’m kidding  
  
Or I mean, I totally wouldn’t mind if you came here  
  
And I meant it about the study. And also I’d like to see you in person  
  
But I don’t mean that you’d have to be here right now  
  
I hope I haven’t caused a major cultural misunderstanding  
  
Or actually I’m more afraid that you understood me just right and are pissed at me  
  
Sorry  
  
I’ll shut up now  
  
  
**  
  
  
_ Jim, it was regrettable that I couldn’t answer the message you sent me 0.45 Earth hours ago. I regret the discomfort I may have caused you. I assure you that I am not ‘pissed at you’ although I must admit I find some of your latest messages rather illogical.  
  
_Oh thank god  
  
Bones has been telling me non-stop that I’m far too involved if I get that worried when you don’t answer  
  
_ I wish to offer you a logical explanation of my sudden silence. I was trying to purchase a few food items. It seems that the supply of anything that would make into an acceptable meal is very inadequate in Iowa.  Nonetheless, I suddenly found myself in a very demanding communication situation with a human.  
  
_I’m sorry to hear that. What was it about?_  
  
I suppose it is probable that a human male who addressed me by a highly vague ‘hi, you’ was the owner of the ‘shop’ I was currently in. He asked me what I was looking for and I told him. I do not know how it happened, but it seemed the more I talked the less he understood me. Additionally, he behaved like he was experiencing some distracting emotions in the situation although that is illogical. After we had been engaging in a conversation for 14.52 minutes he said he was going to ‘call the police’ which seemed to be a strong insult.  
  
_Oh Spock  
  
You probably were the most logical being he had ever talked to  
  
_ That is very kind of you, Jim.  
  
_You’re welcome. So he probably just couldn’t understand you. Although it’s possible that he just is a dick and doesn’t like strangers for the sake of it  
  
_ I do not understand the usage of the term ‘dick’ in your previous sentence.  
  
_Let’s not go there now  
  
So he probably didn’t call the police. You aren’t messaging me from jail, are you  
  
_ No, he did not.  
  
Are you still experiencing emotional discomfort caused by the previous sudden ceasing of our conversation?  
  
_Of course not, don’t worry  
  
So you are having hard time trying to find good food in Iowa?  
  
_ Affirmative.  
  
Your variety of vegetables is very unsatisfying.  
  
_Vegetables  
  
So tell me about your favorite foods  
  
_ As a Vulcan I do not have favorites. However, a proper Vulcan diet consists of diverse collection of different vegetable-based meals.  
  
_Spock, are you a vegetarian?  
  
Oh no  
  
Bones will love you  
  
Hopefully not too much  
  
But I have to tell you right now, I really like meat  
  
_ I am certain that even though you are a human, you are fully capable of changing your customs when offered enough data about how illogical they are.  
  
_Oh Spock  
  
You’re trying to turn me into a vegetarian  
  
That’s actually very sweet  
  
And it was only yesterday that I accidentally told you to remove your ass  
  
We’ve come so far in such a short time  
  
_ I am deeply uncertain about what would be a socially correct way to answer these statements.  
  
_You’re doing splendidly  
  
Bones wants to tell you that it would make wonders for his blood pressure if you made a vegetarian out of me and so he’s all in if you want to visit us  
  
For your human behavior research  
  
As I am your subject  
  
_ You are not yet my subject. As you have once again irrationally changed the topic of our conversation, I might as well state my concern over the method you proposed. There is a considerable probability that our personal involvement might corrupt the results of the study.  
  
_What probability?  
  
And what do you mean by personal involvement?_  
  
92.8 percent.  
  
And I do not know how to answer that question in a culturally acceptable and understandable way.  
  
_I’m not a researcher but I think sometimes someone wants to study a topic that can’t really be measured with numbers or such. I mean, like human behavior. I think if you want to understand it you have to get involved. And when you’re involved you can’t claim that you’re objective.  
  
_ Jim, I am a scientist. I must be objective.  
  
_But the subject of your research can’t be studied in objective manner. Or I mean, you could figure out nice variables and then measure them. Like for how many seconds humans approximately look each other into eyes when they start a conversation. But still you wouldn’t have a clue what they meant by it._  
  
It would be an objective result.  
  
_I thought you’d like to have a clue  
  
About humans  
  
About what humans actually think and feel  
  
_ Affirmative.  
  
That would be interesting.  
  
However, I do not see how that could be reached.  
  
_Hear me out Spock  
  
We’re pretty much friends now  
  
We ARE friends because we keep messaging and because at the moment I like you so much more than Bones who’s STILL talking about vegetables even though you and me got over that part of the conversation like ten minutes ago  
  
Be my friend and then describe it to your paper  
  
If you can figure out how it works to be a friend with a human then I think you have a much more interesting and fascinating result than if you measure how many words we use in a standard conversation or something like that  
  
_ Your reasoning seems almost logical.  
  
_Because it is  
  
Hey we’re going to start cooking now and I have to be on alert because otherwise Bones might hide something ridiculously healthy in my food  
  
Talk to you later Spock  
  
_ I have calculated that the probability that you will is 84.2 percent.  
  
_That low ha  
  
I’m not going to disappoint you though  
  
Bye now  
  
_ Bye, Jim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued! You can say 'hi' to me on [tumblr](http://toyhto.tumblr.com)! :)


	2. Chapter 2

Jim, if you wish, it would please me if you provided me a complete analysis of your current well-being.  
  
_Spock, I don’t get it  
  
Is something wrong?  
  
_ ‘Something’ is not wrong. I was trying to be polite in a human way.  
  
_Is this for your study? Are you trying to decide if I’m healthy enough to be your subject? Or am I just missing something here?_  
  
I suppose I have misunderstood a paper I read recently. I merely tried to start a conversation by requesting information on your well-being, which is supposedly a common habit among humans.  
  
_Oh. Sorry. I should have got that.  
  
I’m fine, Spock. And how are you?  
  
_ I am functioning optimally.  
  
_I’m glad to hear.  
  
So that’s how it’s usually done. Simple ‘how are you’ and simple ‘fine, thanks’ is usually the best choice  
  
_ I do not understand why the well-being of the other participant is inquired, if the main purpose of the whole exchange is to state that you are ‘fine’ which is highly inaccurate definition regardless of the actual condition of a person.  
  
_Yeah, I know. It’s pretty stupid because you’re kind of supposed to say you’re fine even if you aren’t  
  
It seems illogical even to me  
  
But I’m glad you messaged me. It’s been almost six hours I think  
  
_ 6.31 hours is my estimation.  
  
_What have you been doing?  
  
You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I’m just kind of making conversation here  
  
_ There seems to be no evident reason why I should not want to tell you.  
  
I have been reading papers regarding social behavior of humans. I have especially concentrated on the topic of ‘friendship’ since you referred to it in our previous conversation.  
  
_But surely Vulcans have friends too  
  
_ Friendship, as you humans seem to define it, is supposed to be based on mutual fondness of some kind. It seems that a logical relationship that is based on mutual benefit or mutual appreciation of each other’s logicalness does not count as friendship in human understanding.  
  
_You might be right  
  
Mutual appreciation could be a thing, though  
  
But you can appreciate someone even if you don’t like them  
  
Aren’t Vulcans lonely? All that not liking and not having friends seems pretty lonely to me  
  
I mean, I kind of only have Bones but he’s still better than nothing at all  
  
_ ‘Loneliness’ is mostly an emotion. Vulcans are in control of their emotions.  
  
_So does this mean you actually don’t like me? And I’m not asking if you dislike me but more like, well, you know  
  
_ Jim, I do not know how to answer that question.  
  
I find it weirdly disturbing.  
  
_Sorry  
  
I didn’t mean to be rude. I just kind of got emotional here  
  
Sorry  
  
_ You already stated that you are sorry. However, I do not require an apology.  
  
I appreciate our ‘friendship’ as you call it.  
  
_Good to hear  
  
I’m going to change the subject now because I feel like I’ve said too much and maybe you’re uncomfortable  
  
Have you tried going to a bar?  
  
To get to talk to humans, I mean  
  
_ I have not. Do you recommend that particular space for satisfactory communication with a human?  
  
_Maybe  
  
It generally makes people more talkative but not always in a good way  
  
Alcohol  
  
I don’t know if they have that on Vulcan  
  
But maybe you’ve heard of it  
_  
I am familiar with the substance. However, alcohol does not have the same effect on Vulcans than on humans. Therefore, Vulcan lacks the socially uphold custom of inhabitants regularly intoxicating themselves with the said substance.  
  
_Now is probably a good time to tell you that I’m in a bar  
  
With Bones  
  
We were totally bored and then we came here and now we’re even more bored  
  
_ That is interesting. Are you not currently participating in a social custom of intoxicating yourselves?  
  
_We kind of are but it’s a bit dull  
  
Like Bones is getting even more grumpy and I’m kind of lonely although I would never ever admit that to anyone  
  
Shit  
  
I realize I’m being illogical  
  
You don’t have to inform me  
  
So you don’t drink ha  
  
_ I do drink. Consuming water in some manner is vital for almost all living organisms.  
  
_I meant to say you don’t drink alcohol  
  
And if you did it wouldn’t make you admit to an almost complete stranger that you’re kind of lonely  
  
Lucky you  
  
_ Jim, I am having minor difficulties following the course of this conversation.  
  
_Bones is complaining that I’m too fixed on you to keep him company  
  
Which is of course true  
  
Okay now he’s going to talk to this girl who has been smiling at us  
  
Okay a woman  
  
Bones is slightly old so it would be weird if he hit on ‘girls’  
  
Does this make more sense?  
  
_ Negative.  
  
I wish you would inform Bones to refrain from any kind of violence including hitting.  
  
_Oh no Spock, ‘hit on’ means he’s trying to flirt with her  
  
_ I have not yet read many scientific articles about ‘flirting’. Therefore, my knowledge of the concept might be inadequate. Furthermore, I seem to remember that we have considered this topic in our previous conversations as well. I will try to find sufficient papers so that we can better discuss it in the future.  
  
_Or I could just show you  
  
_ That would acceptable.  
  
_Oh shit that was me flirting  
  
_ Are you referring to the sentence ‘or I could show you’?  
  
_Yeah  
  
_ Fascinating.  
  
_I can’t seem to be trusted to talk to you after a few beers  
  
Shit  
  
We have to change the topic now, please Spock tell me something_  
  
I was completely satisfied with our previous topic. However, if you wish me to tell you something, I might begin with explaining the basics of how warp theory is used for fast travelling in space. Or are you already adequately familiar with the concept?  
  
_Well I suppose you know it better than me, but anyway I meant something like the color of your eyes  
  
Oh no I’m flirting again  
  
I mean, could you please tell me something about yourself  
  
For example I haven’t seen you although you have seen me  
  
Tell me how you look  
  
_ I have not seen you, Jim.  
  
_I meant in a picture  
  
Please_  
  
Very well. Do you have any specific interests considering how I look?  
  
_Actually I kind of want to see you  
  
Can you take a picture and send it to me?_  
  
Affirmative.  
  
_OH MY GOD SPOCK YOU DID IT  
  
_ I wish to remind you that you specifically required me to ‘do it’.  
  
_Yes but  
  
I mean  
  
Sorry I can’t form whole sentences now  
  
_ As our communication is occurring via communication device, I must remind you that you have a capability to reflect upon what you wish to say before you send a message to me.  
  
_Sorry Spock I can’t  
  
You sent me a picture  
  
Of you  
  
Because I asked  
  
_ Is there some highly illogical human custom that suggests I should not have sent you a picture when you required me to do so?  
  
_No  
  
I’m just a bit drunk and really happy  
  
_ Your sentence seems to imply that these two phenomena correlate.  
  
_Well they should but they often don’t so I feel like something has gone wrong with that  
  
But I meant that I can’t form full sentences because I’m drunk and happy  
  
And I’m drunk because I was so bored earlier I couldn’t think about anything else to do than to go to a bar with Bones, and I’m happy because you sent me a picture of you  
  
!!!  
  
_ I thank you for providing me a sufficient explanation of causality affecting your current emotions. I also wish to compliment you on the ability to do it with full sentences.  
  
_Okay those were full sentences  
  
But Spock  
  
Aren’t you curious??  
  
_ Are you referring to any specific subject of my possible curiosity?  
  
_YES  
  
I mean aren’t you dying to know if I think you’re pretty  
  
_ Negative.  
  
However, it is possible I would not be against of you stating my ‘prettiness’ as it seems that ‘pretty’ is a term you use in a fairly positive sense.  
  
_You are pretty Spock  
  
Pretty but like in a hard way  
  
I mean in a strong way  
  
You look very serious in the picture but I kind of guessed that you wouldn’t be winking at me  
  
But I like it  
  
You kind of have this ‘I take no bullshit from you’ kind of a look  
  
But with soft eyes  
  
Spock?  
  
Tell me how I’m doing here  
  
I don’t know how one’s supposed to say to a Vulcan that they’re pretty  
  
I mean, give compliments on how they look, not necessarily call them pretty if that’s not your thing  
  
I looked so distressed that Bones left the medicine girl slash woman alone for a moment and came to check that I’m alright  
  
What a good doctor he is  
  
But now he thinks you’re probably trying to find quick and easy ways to get rid of me  
  
He’s kind of thinking you might be so desperate you’d consider something illegal but I’m sure he’s wrong  
  
You wouldn’t  
  
Would you Spock  
  
Spock  
  
_ Jim.  
  
I regret that I ceased from answering your messages for 8.31 Earth minutes, although you seem to be fully capable of continuing our communication by yourself.  
  
I was considering how to respond to your statements about my ‘prettiness’.  
  
The only logical respond seems to be to correct you on the issue regarding my eyes. My eyes are not soft. However, I suppose my respond now ‘misses the point’ like you might say.  
  
_Oh Spock  
  
I’m so happy you answered  
  
I was going to order whiskey but I won’t now which is great because whiskey makes me irrational  
  
More irrational  
  
‘Soft’ was a metaphor.  
  
I don’t know how to explain it  
  
Only that I like your eyes  
  
_ That also demands an explanation, Jim.  
  
However, I am aware that you as a human are comfortable with the term ‘liking’ despite its illogicalness. Therefore, I accept that you will not be able to provide me a completely satisfying explanation.  
  
You do not need to try, either.  
  
I am pleased that the picture of my face was satisfying for you.  
  
_Yes it was  
  
It is  
  
Bones has left me again  
  
He says he can’t stand to look at my face because I look like I’m flirting with my communicator  
  
I feel like I should say that I’m not flirting with my communicator  
  
I’m flirting with you but since you’re in a communicator it looks like I’m flirting with it  
  
Oh god you are not in a communicator  
  
Shit I can’t even talk anymore  
  
Bones was right  
  
I’m losing my capability to both flirt and fucking write and I haven’t even met you yet  
  
This is frightening  
  
Spock?  
  
_ Jim, there seemed to be no reason to interrupt your monologue. However, as you have requested that I respond, I wish to inform you that I have now found two articles that have provided me a basic understanding of the concept ‘flirting’.  
  
Since you continuously keep implying that ‘flirting’ is an occurrence you are directing at me, I estimated that the knowledge of the concept would be essential for our communication. Furthermore, you seem very content in sending messages without a respond from me for approximately 6.13 Earth minutes before you get concerned, which has provided me enough time to search the database for adequate papers.  
  
_You mean you’re reading papers about flirting as we speak  
  
SPOCK  
  
_ If you wish to communicate me by your vague statement ‘SPOCK’, I request that you elaborate.  
  
_No  
  
It was just me kind of getting nervous here  
  
So, about flirting  
  
Want to share what you found out?_  
  
Indeed I do, because there are certain aspects I wish you would clarify.  
  
The papers I found seem to imply that the act of flirting is directed at a person who is, in the opinion of the person engaged in the act of flirting, a possible mate.  
  
Therefore, I must conclude that if these papers are correct, the occurrence of you flirting with me would imply that you consider me a possible mate.  
  
However, since you are highly illogical in nature, I suppose it is possible that there is another explanation available, for example that you are once again ‘kidding’.  
  
_Spock I’m not exactly sure what you mean by mate  
  
But also I don’t know how to talk myself out of this especially after the beers I’ve had so I’ll try to spit it out  
  
_ Jim, as I have not received a message from you in 2.13 Earth minutes, I am now concerned that you might have a problem with that beer you are trying to spit out.  
  
_Oh god no  
  
Sorry  
  
I meant that I’m a bit drunk and I’m going to just to say it how it is  
  
And I’ve been trying to write a message that says it how it is but my fingers are kind of shaking, must be because of the beer  
  
Spock I think I have a crush on you  
  
Whoa  
  
That’s it  
  
I sent it  
  
I have a crush on you  
  
_ Jim, I suppose that is another ‘metaphor’.  
  
_Yeah sorry I mean I like you  
  
But not like I like Bones  
  
Because I don’t have a crush on Bones and I don’t flirt with him  
  
Oh god what a thought I’m going to need another beer now  
  
I mean I LIKE you  
  
Though I kind of can’t really know it yet because we haven’t met  
  
But I think if we met I’d still flirt with you  
  
Spock?  
  
_ As it seems probable that you lack the competence to explain the term ‘crush’ in a logical manner, I have now found another reference.  
  
According to this paper, a ‘crush’ is a term humans use when they are romantically and sexually interested in a person.  
  
Is this correct?  
  
_Yeah, pretty much  
  
Oh god I don’t know what to say here  
  
_ You are not required to ‘say’ anything immediately.  
  
I wish to inform you that a ‘crush’ seems to be a human phenomenon and in Vulcan it is common to form a lifelong bond with your mate and therefore there is no need for a term that seems to emphasis a possibility that the romantic and sexual interest in a person is only temporary. However, I find your personality fascinating, judging by our conversations, and the way you look is aesthetically satisfying to my person. Therefore, if I were a human, it might be concluded that I do possess a ‘crush’ directed at you.  
  
Jim, I wish you would respond to my previous message.  
  
It is oddly disturbing to wait for your answer this time.  
  
I am concerned that I may have been infected with a disease of some kind since I am currently lacking ability to concentrate.  
  
Perhaps you would wish to provide me information about any disease with said symptoms that occurs in Iowa.  
  
_Oh Spock you aren’t ill you’re just nervous  
  
Oh my god  
  
I’m so happy to hear you like my personality and my face  
  
I didn’t answer immediately because I was kind of hmmmm overwhelmed  
  
And then Bones came to ask me why the hell I look like someone just put a tribble in my lap and I told him to fuck off but he wouldn’t so I told him what you had said and he kept asking me if I’m insane and then I kind of forgot to answer you  
  
I’m sorry  
  
_ Apology is not needed. Also, I think it highly improbable that I would be ‘nervous’, since being ‘nervous’ is totally useless and therefore highly irrational and illogical.  
  
Why is Bones concerned about your mental health?  
  
_He’s not really he just thinks I’m stupid  
  
I have a bad record with women  
  
_ Please elaborate the meaning of ‘women’ in your previous statement.  
  
_I usually flirt with women  
  
I mean, when I have a crush on someone they usually are a woman  
  
Can we not talk about this?  
  
I’m so happy that you kind of have a Vulcan version of a crush on me and I want to be happy and I won’t be if we are going to talk about the constant failure that is my romantic life  
  
And we haven’t even seen each other yet so I hope I could save my flaws for that  
  
Like I might have a better chance with your appreciation continuing if you got to meet me before I tell you everything about the many ways in whic I tend to mess up in life  
  
_ I am uncertain whether your wish is logical or not.  
  
_It’s not about logic it’s about me liking you and not wanting to ruin this  
  
You appreciate my personality Spock!!  
  
I’m so happy about that  
  
And about my aesthetically satisfying looks  
  
Let’s concentrate on them  
  
I wish that you would estimate how aesthetically satisfying my looks are. In the scale from 0 to 100.  
  
_ I find your wish disturbingly unscientific.  
  
My estimation is 82.4.  
  
_Oh thank god I feared it might be just 82.3.  
  
And what’s the deal with the lacking 17.6??  
  
_ ‘The deal’ is that I lack highly relevant data.  
  
The picture in Starfleet database only shows your face and your shoulders and the upper half of your chest.  
  
_OH SPOCK  
  
I’m not going to say it I’m not going to say it  
  
Shit I am going to say it  
  
Bones will kill me  
  
You want to see my ass  
  
You want to see my ass before I can get a 100 on my looks  
  
_ I sincerely wish there is also something else below your chest than your ‘ass’ as you addressed it.  
  
_WHAT  
  
Spock you are FLIRTING  
  
And you are doing so great I can’t even tell  
  
I’m laughing and squirming  
  
_ That sounds uncomfortable.  
  
_It’s good squirming I swear  
  
Bones tells me he’s going to take me home before I run away with you and ruin your career  
  
But he’s wrong because I wouldn’t  
  
We could run away in a starship  
  
I could be a captain and you could be my first officer  
  
We’d go boldly and a bit irresponsibly to where no man has ever been  
  
Or a woman  
  
That would be so great  
  
Spock say something  
  
_ I am a science officer and fully satisfied with my position in Starfleet.  
  
_You’re kind of missing the point here  
_  
I apologize.  
  
Has the squirming ceased?  
  
_Not really I think it’s going to go on for some time. Bones is dragging me home now. He tells me to sleep it off but I don’t think I can.  
  
_ If you are allergic to a substance, it is highly probable that sleeping will not considerably help your situation.  
  
_You are the substance Spock  
  
And the allergy is in my heart  
  
Oh shit Bones is going to take away my communicator  
  
He looks like he means it  
  
I’ll talk to you in the morning  
  
Good night Spock  
  
_ Good night, Jim.  
  
  
**  
  
  
Good morning, Jim.  
  
_Good morning Spock and also I’m still sleeping  
  
Not that I mind really  
  
But I don’t know if I can write when I’m still half-asleep  
  
_ Shortly before the end of our latest discussion, you stated that you will talk to me in the morning. As it is 11.58 AM in Iowa which is the current location of both of us, it seemed appropriate to contact you due to our apparent lack of ‘talking’ this morning.  
  
_I miss you too Spock_  
  
I did not state that I miss you.  
  
_Have I already asked you if ‘missing’ is a thing on Vulcan?  
  
_ To be precise, missing is not a ‘thing’. However, because you seem to try to inquire whether missing is a concept known and recognized in Vulcan culture, the answer is yes. It is completely possible for a Vulcan to experience a mental state best described by ‘unsatisfying’ due to the lack of the presence of a certain person. However, we do not express it emotionally.  
  
_No, you just message a guy who has only slept for nine hours  
  
_ Nine hours per night is adequate amount of sleep for a human.  
  
In addition, I suppose you tried to do some ‘kidding’ there but the essence of the ‘joke’ seems to escape my comprehension.  
  
_You’re getting better at speaking human. Just leave those quotes out and you’re doing almost fine.  
  
You’re going to be fluent in no time.  
  
_ I sincerely wish I will not.  
  
_Your skills in sarcasm are marvelous already  
  
So I’m up now  
  
Bones has made me a healthy breakfast and I’m kind of touched but don’t tell him  
  
_ Please elaborate ‘touched’.  
  
_I’m currently experiencing an emotion filled with gratitude and happiness.  
  
I think I’m going to be fluent in Vulcan  
  
_ That is highly improbable. However, I am pleased to be informed that ‘touched’ was another metaphor.  
  
_Yeah Bones sure isn’t going to touch me unless it’s medical and about life and death  
  
Actually I’m grabbing his shoulder right now but well, you know what I mean  
  
Actually you probably don’t  
  
But let’s not talk about it now. I’m going to explain all these irrational details about being a human when I get to see you in person. You’re going to be such a good human, Spock  
  
_ Jim, are you trying to tell me that you wish I was a human?  
  
_No  
  
Of course not  
  
Shit  
  
I didn’t mean that, I only tried to joke about how we’ll get to know each other and how you’ll understand us stupid humans so well  
  
_ Acknowledged.  
  
There is something I wish to bring to your attention.  
  
_Oh this sounds serious  
  
I hope everything’s fine  
  
Tell me  
  
_ My mother was a human.  
  
_Your mother was a human  
  
Spock why did you scare me with that serious tone  
  
I thought you were ill  
  
_ I am not ill. Your assumption was highly illogical and therefore I will not take responsibility of it. However, my intention was not to scare you and I regret that you getting scared was the illogical consequence of my ‘tone’.  
  
I have come to think that human friendship involves sharing personal information with one another. Therefore, as our communication tends to concentrate on the differences between our species, I estimated it would be appropriate to inform you about the fact that I am genetically only half-Vulcan.  
  
_Spock, I’m so glad you didn’t use quotes with that ‘friendship’  
  
Also you’re right, I’m glad that you wanted to share this personal information with me  
  
When we first talked, you said you’re a Vulcan  
_  
I lived my childhood on Vulcan and even though the culture my human mother shares with her species probably has effected on me, culturally I have been raised up as a Vulcan.  
  
_I think I get it  
  
I’m also kind of glad that you’re half-human but only because this gives me hope that under all that logic you have a soft heart  
  
_ I wish I have not.  
  
_And I’m going to respectfully keep on flirting with you, Mr. Spock  
  
In a vague hope that one day the human half of your heart is going to find a way to get emotional with me  
  
Oh no I don’t even know anymore if I’m kidding or not  
  
I‘m probably not kidding actually  
  
This is bad  
  
Bones is taking very deep breaths  
  
He has good lungs because he always has to bear with me  
  
Bones says ‘yes that’s it you stupid git’  
  
He refers to me, not to you, because obviously you could never be ‘stupid’  
  
Shit now I’m using those quotes all the time  
  
Help me Spock  
  
Say something  
  
_ I am deeply confused about the direction our communication has taken.  
  
_Yeah me too  
  
Bones says that’s his constant feeling when I’m around  
  
Frustrated confusion, he says  
  
I hope you aren’t frustrated with me, Spock  
  
_ Indeed I am not, Jim.  
  
May I enquire if you are enjoying your breakfast?  
  
_Yes you may  
  
That’s very polite of you  
  
The breakfast is fine and Bones is happy with me because I’ve already eaten an apple and I’m not done yet  
  
And may I inquire what you’re doing, Spock?  
  
_ Yes, you may, Jim. I am reading about human behavior for my research and for our friendship.  
  
_And how illogical is human behavior seeming at the moment, Spock?  
  
_ Highly illogical, Jim, although I find it easier to understand the concepts in the papers now that I have had multiple conversations with you. In some cases I might even consider the possibility that even though human behavior in question is highly illogical, it somehow ‘makes sense’.  
  
_I hope it doesn’t make so much sense that you wouldn’t need me for your research anymore  
  
_ The probability for that is extremely low.  
  
However, I wish to remind you that the idea of you participating in my research is highly problematic due to the nature of our relationship.  
  
_Nature of our relationship  
  
_ That is not a sentence, Jim.  
  
_And what is that nature exactly?  
  
_ I have been under impression that you were flirting with me.  
  
_I was  
  
I am  
  
Shit I’m bad with relationships  
  
I hope I don’t mess this up  
  
_ Your sudden anxiety is highly illogical.  
  
_I know  
  
I have this habit of messing everything up  
  
Usually it’s fine because I don’t care that much but I kind of think you’re one of the kind  
  
I mean that I have this feeling that we get along very well  
  
Like exceptionally well  
  
Like if we drop all the flirting we could still be friends for life or something like that  
  
I would mess up and you would save me with all your scientific knowledge and pure logic  
  
I normally flirt with people with whom I don’t think I’m going to be friends so this is pretty frightening  
  
_ Jim, I believe you are experiencing a sudden burst of emotional anxiety that is very common among humans.  
  
I am certain everything will be alright.  
  
_That is like a very human-like thing to say, Spock_  
  
I read it in a paper.  
  
_I knew it  
  
Okay I’m better  
  
_ According to my estimations there is a 72.4 percent chance that you are trying to assure me by saying that you are feeling better even though you are not.  
  
_And how exactly did you get that number  
  
Don’t tell, we got to keep the magic  
  
_ There is a 49.2 percent chance that magic actually does not exist.  
  
_Oh Spock don’t spoil it for me  
  
I’m sad so you should be nice to me  
  
_ There is a 78.7 percent chance that eventually I will be ‘nice’ to you.  
  
_OH MY GOD  
  
Spock I’m laughing here  
  
I know you said humor is a human thing but you’re killing it  
  
_ There is a 99.8 percent chance that I am not.  
  
_I didn’t know you had it in you, Mr. Spock  
  
You’re joking about science  
  
I’m actually not completely sure you’re joking but nothing else really explains this  
  
_ Have you overcome your emotional outburst?  
  
_A little  
  
I’m going to watch a sad romantic film later today and eat chocolate and maybe cry just a little and when Bones sees me I’m going to firmly deny having ever cried at anything so I think that’s going to fix that anxiety for me  
  
What’re your plans for today?  
  
_ Unfortunately I have to attempt to purchase food items again, since the last time I did not succeed as I wished to. I am rather hungry.  
  
_I’m sorry about that  
  
I hope you have better luck this time  
  
I’m also pretty sure that you shouldn’t mention logic to anyone in Iowa  
  
And if you could smile, it might help buying things  
  
_ I do not ‘smile’.  
  
_Okay so no smiling then  
  
If you are desperate I could buy something here and send it  
  
_ That is not necessary, although I thank you for your consideration.  
  
Actually, it seems that I have failed to observe my physical needs as I have concentrated on my reading. In approximately 1.53 Earth hours my mental abilities are going to suffer due to the lack of nutrition.  
  
_By which you mean that talking about food made you hungry  
  
Go buy something, Spock  
  
I don’t want you to faint when there’s no one there to pick you up  
  
_ I am not going to faint.  
  
However, I am going to do as you said and ‘go buy something’.  
  
Since it is dangerous to send messages when one is walking, I must now temporarily refrain from contacting you.  
  
_Yeah I get that  
  
I hope you find something good to eat  
  
_ That is my sincere wish as well.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_So Spock  
  
I’m going to ask you something  
  
Are you there?  
  
_ Affirmative, although you should not be surprised to find out that I am ‘there’ since you did not specify the location.  
  
_That is so not the point but I like you anyway  
  
Can I come to see you?  
  
Like, maybe this evening?  
  
You said there is something like 50 kilometers in between us  
  
And I have my motorcycle  
  
_ 57.26 kilometers at the moment.  
  
_Spooooock  
  
I’m kind of nervous here  
  
_ Jim, if you wish to travel 57.26 kilometers by your motorcycle to visit me, I will not object.  
  
_Oh god  
  
So you want me to?  
  
_ I find the idea fascinating.  
  
Is there any specific reason why I should not want you to visit me?  
  
_Absolutely not  
  
I really hope not  
  
I just kind of tried to make sure you want me to  
  
That you aren’t just being polite  
  
Actually you aren’t very good at being polite so I’m probably just getting myself over-worried here  
  
_ I regret to hear that my attempts to be ‘polite’ have not been satisfactory for you.  
  
_Oh shit I didn’t mean that  
  
Sorry Spock  
  
I meant that you seem like an honest guy  
  
_ Vulcans do not lie.  
  
_So there we go  
  
I suppose you wouldn’t tell me that you’re okay with me coming over just to be polite even if you really didn’t want me there  
  
_ Negative. That would be highly illogical.  
  
_I really like you Spock  
  
So what should I wear?  
  
_ You have once again changed the topic of our discussion abruptly and with no apparent reason, Jim.  
  
_I can’t help it, I have no clothes  
  
I mean I don’t have anything to wear  
  
I asked Bones and he said ‘please wear your underwear at all times’  
  
I don’t know why I just told you that_  
  
Should I conclude from your previous statement that Bones is worried about your tendency to lack underwear?  
  
_Well yes but let’s not talk about that yet  
  
He was just kind of trying to joke about me being so excited about this  
  
_ Do you often misplace your underwear when you are excited?  
  
_Spock are you being serious or are you teasing me?_  
  
There is a 62.48 percent probability that I am teasing you, although it is also possible that I do not know what I am saying due to a cultural misunderstanding.  
  
_I’m going to think that you’re teasing me and it’s going very well  
  
I’ll bring some food that I can eat so you don’t have to worry about that  
  
In case that you ask me for dinner  
  
Or something  
  
_ That is acceptable.  
  
Jim, you have not attempted to communicate in 7.34 minutes. Is something amiss?  
  
_Absolutely not, I’m just going over my wardrobe with Bones  
  
But I kind of didn’t think I’d go on a date here in Iowa and so all my nice shirts are still in San Francisco  
  
I’m trying to pick something but it’s tricky  
  
Bones is taking deep sighs but he’s kind of into this really  
  
He’s trying to decide whether yellow or green goes better with my eyes  
  
I think he’s happy partly because he’s getting the house for himself this evening and partly because he’s excited for me  
  
He’d never admit that though  
  
I hope he’s not going to have a party when I’m gone  
  
Spock, you are very quiet  
  
_ I was trying to find an adequate reference article for ‘to go on a date’.  
  
_Oh no  
  
_ I had to lower my standards, but I have now discovered huge amounts of very unscientific discussion around the topic. I am currently reading something titled ‘To sleep or not to sleep with him on your first date, or: 10 tips you will find most useful’.  
  
_Stop reading it Spock  
  
_ The article has failed to be specific about whether I should ‘sleep with him’ on our ‘first date’ but I have managed to conclude that the topic is of importance for you humans.  
  
_Spock you have to slowly walk away from that article  
  
It’s not science and you know it  
  
_ I have now read a lengthy essay about what is a suitable length of time to wait until you contact the person you are interested in. It seems that I have constantly failed ‘not to appear too enthusiastic’. I am perplexed why you have not stated your dissatisfaction over my lack of cultural understanding.  
  
_I would very much like you to appear as enthusiastic as you will  
  
Like, please do  
  
Have you stopped reading that article?  
  
_ Affirmative. I have found another.  
  
_Where is your source criticism!?  
  
I’m going to have to call you now  
  
Bones agrees but he also thinks this is a bit funny  
  
But it’s not funny it’s serious  
  
That kind of articles can ruin lives  
  
I’m calling you now  
  
_ “You actually answered!”  
  
“I fail to see how that is surprising. Would you like to confirm the statement that an action called _watching a movie_ is efficient for a first date, since it allows participants not to engage in a vocal communication?”  
  
“Oh shit, I can’t believe I’m actually talking to you. I like your voice, though.”  
  
“It is very illogical of you to state a preference over a person’s voice.”  
  
“It’s not illogical at all. Bones is glaring at me. He thinks it’s funny that I’m so nervous.”  
  
“You do not sound very nervous.”  
  
“I’m happy to hear that I can still hide it. Have you stopped reading those articles?”  
  
“I find them rather interesting.”  
  
“Spock, I’m just going to come and see you. I called it a date because I have this… this…”  
  
“Crush.”  
  
“Yeah. Thanks. I have… _that_ on you. But you should really… stop reading those things.”  
  
“Can I ask you something?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“About that sleeping –“  
  
“Not _that,_ Spock.”  
  
“You sound very emotional.”  
  
“I _am_ pretty emotional because you’re trying to ask me if we’re supposed to… to…”  
  
“To have sexual intercourse.”  
  
“ _Hell,_ Spock, how can you _say_ it and still sound so _cool?_ ”  
  
“My body temperature –“  
  
“I didn’t mean _that_ , I meant that I really don’t want to talk about…”  
  
“Sexual intercourse.”  
  
“Yeah. Definitely not.”  
  
“Are you trying to inform me in a rather irrational manner that you will not be sleeping with me? I had concluded that your _crush_ involved sexual interest in me.”  
  
“I haven’t even _met_ you, for fuck’s sake.”  
  
“Jim –“  
  
“That was me swearing. Sorry. I mean that can we please not talk about sex before we are in the same place and have actually talked to each other. And also it would me much nicer to talk about _that_ if Bones wasn’t staring at me.”  
  
“You wish to consider that matter later.”  
  
“Yeah. Please. Or we could just… see what happens.”  
  
“I find that acceptable.”  
  
“Good. _So._ I kind of would like to get back to choosing clothes for the evening, and then I’d like to get locked into the bathroom so that I can blush in peace and Bones can mind his own business. Can I trust you not to read more of those very unscientific articles?”  
  
“If you insist.”  
  
“I insist. You can make a list of questions and you can ask me anything when I get there. I’ll probably blush and refuse to answer but you can try.”  
  
“I will look forward to that.”  
  
“ _Good._ So, I’ll end the call now.”  
  
“Acknowledged.”  
  
“So that I can choose my clothes and we can actually meet this evening.”  
  
“That is logical.”  
  
“I’m going to do it any second.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Spock, I can’t do it.”  
  
“Do you want me to end the call?”  
  
“Yeah, that would be – okay, you ended the call.”  
  
  
**  
  
  
Jim?  
  
Jim, please contact me as soon as you read this message.  
  
_Is something wrong?  
  
Are you alright?  
  
_ There is nothing wrong with my functioning. However, I regret to inform you that I have been assigned to teach an additional course in Academy. I have been told that my presence is expected tomorrow morning.  
  
_You have to go back to San Francisco.  
  
Oh shit  
  
Did you say Vulcans don’t lie?  
  
_ I am not lying, Jim.  
  
_Yeah  
  
I thought maybe you didn’t like my voice  
  
_ I found your voice illogically fascinating.  
  
_I took a shower already. I’m kind of wearing the best clothes me and Bones could pick up right now. I’m sorry you don’t get to see me.  
  
_ You can send me a picture.  
  
_Really?  
  
Wait a minute, I’ll ask Bones to take it  
  
Are you packing already?_  
  
Affirmative, although I did not bring many items with me in the first place.  
  
_Spock you know that I’m a student in Academy  
  
Me and Bones will be back there in a week or so  
  
Probably sooner because I think from now on I’m just going to watch sappy movies with chocolate and beer because I didn’t get to see you and so Bones will probably get tired of me in two days or so  
  
And if you still want to talk to me  
  
We could go on  
  
And we could meet in Academy  
  
_ I am fascinated by your suggestion.  
  
Jim, I will not cease to want to talk to you.  
  
_I’m glad.  
  
Sorry I’m getting very emotional about this whole thing.  
  
Bones says I’m nuts but really how often you meet a funny clever handsome Vulcan in Iowa  
  
Anyway here’s the picture of me with my date clothes  
  
_ I suppose I will have to re-evaluate my knowledge of the concept of smiling.  
  
_I’m happy to hear that you like my smile, Spock  
  
I’ll leave you to your packing now  
  
See you later  
  
_ I am rather certain that we will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thank you so much for your kudos and comments, they've definitely made my day! :) There is going to be one more chapter and then a short epilogue!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter, and also there is a tiny epilogue after this! I'm so happy about your comments and kudos, thank you so much and I so hope you like the ending!

_So how's the teaching?  
  
  
_ **  
  
  
Hi, Jim. I regret that I could not answer your message sooner since I was teaching. To answer your question, teaching is, as you might say, dull.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_Sorry I didn’t answer sooner, I was RUNNING with Bones. He swears I’m going to have cool abs if I run with him and if do push-ups and also eat ten apples a day and basically do everything he tells me to. I think he might be enjoying this a bit too much but I’m going to try anyway because I want to impress you. I’m sorry teaching is dull. I can try to figure out a good prank you can pull on your students.  
  
_  
**  
  
  
Jim, I was in the science laboratory when you contacted me and therefore could not answer. I absolutely will not ‘pull a prank’ on my students, since I asked my colleague about the phrase and she asked me whether I am experiencing a cultural shock. I am pleased to hear you are eating your apples. However, I must remind you that I am aware of human muscle tissue being significantly weaker than Vulcan muscle tissue and therefore you should not be concerned that I would judge you by your muscle tissue.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_Oh god Spock you made me so stressed  
  
I’m doing more push-ups now and Bones is laughing  
  
He says you and me are great together  
  
Are you there? I could really take a break from these push-ups  
  
Well you clearly aren’t there  
  
Maybe you’re teaching or perhaps you’re walking the corridors and winking at pretty students  
  
Please don’t wink at pretty students  
  
Except me, you can very well wink at me as much as you like when I get there  
  
So hold your winking mister and save it for me  
  
And I’ll do my best with this weak human muscle tissue I have  
  
I have to get back to push-ups now bye  
  
  
**  
  
  
_ Jim, I regret to find out that I have once again missed your attempt to contact me, although I am delighted that you seem to be perfectly able to engage yourself in a monologue.  
  
You will be pleased to know that I have asked my colleague about your apparent anxiety over your muscle tissue. She informed me that you are trying to make your stomach as desirable for both touching and watching as you can. I wish to inform you that I will be glad to touch and watch your stomach as much as you like regardless of the possible change in the structure of your muscle tissue. However, I recommend you keep eating those apples because they are very healthy.  
  
You have not answered me in 13.52 minutes and therefore I must conclude that you are not presently ‘there’ as you say it. It also seems that I, too, am able to engage in a monologue.  
  
**  
  
_Spock are you there?  
  
Me and Bones watched three romantic comedies yesterday and then slept through the whole morning  
  
I think I’m making Bones sad with my sad face  
  
I keep drinking coffee but it doesn’t fix me anymore  
  
Help me Spock  
  
  
_ **  
  
  
Jim, what kind of assistance do you require?  
  
  
**  
  
  
_Oh shit I hope I didn’t get you really worried  
  
It was kind of a metaphor again  
  
I wish that you’d steal a white horse somewhere and ride to Iowa to pick me up  
  
_ Jim, I do not know how to ride a horse and due to our cultural differences it would be extremely difficult for me to ‘steal’ something from a human.  
  
_You’re there!  
  
Oh my god it’s been like three days or something and now you’re there and I was making a joke about a prince and a white horse  
  
Forget the horse just talk to me  
  
_ I hope you are not under the impression that I am a prince. My father is an ambassador but I, myself, do not have a title of any sort, besides ‘science officer’.  
  
_You are my science officer on a white horse  
  
Minus the horse  
  
How is the teaching? Have they fallen in love with you?_  
  
The data is insufficient but I believe that they have not.  
  
Teaching is bearable. However, I am irrationally bored.  
  
_I’m making a human out of you Spock. I only wish you won’t lose your Vulcan muscle tissue._  
  
I have now had multiple conversations about the topic of muscle tissue with my colleague. I have come to realize the topic is culturally important although I do not understand why because that is highly irrational.  
  
_So who’s this colleague  
  
Did you make a human friend?  
  
Besides me of course  
  
_ She is an excellent scientist and, for a human, has profound understanding of logic. She has referred to me as a ‘friend’ four times. However, we do not engage in the act of flirting.  
  
_I’m happy to hear  
  
Save the flirting for me if you can  
  
I’m trying to do the same  
  
Shit this is getting serious  
  
What else? Do you miss me?  
  
_ I wish we would communicate more often.  
  
I also wish to see you when you come back to San Francisco.  
  
_We’re going back on Saturday I think  
  
Bones tells me I’ve become an insufferable romantic and he can’t watch my face any longer, which is too bad because we share a room in the city as well  
  
Actually here we share a house but there it is a room  
  
Poor Bones_  
  
I regret to hear that Bones finds living with you unsatisfying.  
  
Also I have calculated that if I stop messaging you now, I will only be 0.35 Earth minutes late from my class.  
  
Bye, Jim.  
  
_Oh shit you’re going to be late from your class because of me  
  
That’s actually very sweet  
  
I’m smiling here  
  
Bye  
  
  
_ **  
  
  
_Spock I’m sorry I told you to save the flirting for me  
  
I got kind of jealous when I thought about you flirting with your pretty colleagues or students or anyone at all and I shouldn’t have  
  
Or I couldn’t help it of course but I shouldn’t have said anything  
  
If you were more fluent in human dating culture, you’d be already pissed at me for being too clingy  
  
Because we haven’t even met yet and I’m already kind of implying you shouldn’t date other people  
  
Sorry  
  
Maybe you remember that Bones is worried about me getting too excited and then getting rid of my underwear  
  
I joked about it and you asked me to explain and I didn’t  
  
But the thing is I kind of flirt easily  
  
Bones says I’m fluent with it  
  
Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it until someone’s trying to kiss me  
  
But usually I can manage two or three nights with the same person  
  
And then I run out of my charm or my flirting skills or whatever it is and I don’t know what to do anymore and they see it and fuck off  
  
I think I’d be an excellent Starship Captain because I really can’t hold a relationship together for more than a week at most  
  
I even get along with my family the best when they’re somewhere else, like on another planet  
  
Shit I didn’t mean to tell you that  
  
I only meant to explain the joke about my underwear  
  
But maybe also why I’m kind of clueless here  
  
Because we’ve been only sending these messages for a week now and I LIKE you Spock and I don’t know what to do with it  
  
Possibly that’s why I’m getting clingy and stupid about you winking eyes at your pretty students  
  
Sorry  
  
_ Jim, as a Vulcan, I sincerely doubt I would be physically able to ‘wink at’ anyone. Furthermore, I have no interest in practicing human custom known as flirting with anyone with a possible exception of yourself. You are not ‘clingy’ and it is highly irrational for you to even suppose you could be since you are in Iowa and I am in San Francisco. However, I thank you for your explanation about lacking underwear. It does not seem to contain much logic but nonetheless I have managed to conclude that the mentioned ‘lack of underwear’ refers to sexual intercourse during which underwear is unnecessary.  
  
_WHAT THE HELL SPOCK  
  
Have you been there for the whole time  
  
_ Since you have kept sending me messages, I am fairly certain you supposed I ‘was there’.  
  
_BUT LIKE RIGHT NOW  
  
Sorry this was a surprise  
  
I know you are THERE but I thought you were teaching or in the lab or something and I would have a few hours to think about all these stupid and very personal things I’ve just told you and then I’d feel a bit better when you’d message me back to tell me I’m an idiot  
  
Why didn’t you say something??  
  
_ I started writing a message eight times but you always sent me another before I could finish.  
  
_Okay that makes sense  
  
Sorry about that  
  
I mean, I’m sorry about everything I just told you  
  
I promise that I don’t usually share all my personal problems with someone I haven’t even met  
  
_ Your apology is not needed. However, I seem to regret that I am not physically in your presence. You seem distressed and being face to face might provide me a chance to ease your distress or at least understand it better.  
  
_Well I think I would have never dared to tell you if you were here  
  
I can’t really talk about this stuff  
  
Joking about misplacing my underwear is pretty much the furthest I can go  
  
And yeah, it means I know how to have sex with people but not how to get to know people I’ve had sex with  
  
_ Jim, you will not be obliged to ‘have sex’ with me if you do not wish to.  
  
_Well  
  
That’s kind of not the point because I usually like sex a lot  
  
That’s probably why I end up having it  
  
And I don’t like telling people things about myself that I don’t like and that’s how I end up fucking things up when I’ve had sex with someone for a few times and they think it’s about time to get to know me a bit better  
  
_ Could the conversation we are currently having be referenced as ‘flirting’?  
  
_Definitely not  
  
This would be referenced as ‘frightening-as-hell-kind-of-talk-with-your-friend’  
  
_ That is not a very efficient keyword.  
  
_It’s not a keyword it’s me telling you that I’m very nervous about talking about these things  
  
_ Jim, as you seem to suggest that there is no need for me to search the database for sufficient reference, I am now going to ‘improvise’, however unnatural that is for me as a Vulcan.  
  
I regret to hear you have difficulties maintaining satisfying relationships with your fellow humans.  
  
I am also illogically delighted that you chose to share this information you classified as ‘personal’ with me.  
  
I value our friendship and I wish I will be able to meet you in person in the near future.  
  
In addition, I am happy to hear you do not dislike sexual intercourse. I wish to state that as you just told me something you said was personal, you seem to be optimistic about the aspect of myself getting to know you. Therefore, I estimate that even if sexual intercourse were to occur between us, it would not affect negatively on our ability to communicate.  
  
You may now express your thoughts on the matter.  
  
Jim?  
  
_That sounds logical  
  
_ Thank you.  
  
I was trying to ease your discomfort and anxiety. Was I successful?  
  
_Yeah you kind of were  
  
Which is weird because this is exactly the kind of a talk I usually hate  
  
And now I started one myself  
  
_ Jim, I regret to tell you that I soon have to go to the class. I do not wish to end this conversation too abruptly, so if there is something you want to discuss further, I suggest you state it now and we will briefly consider the topic.  
  
_I’m fine Spock  
  
I’ll talk to you later  
  
Have fun at your class  
  
_ That is highly improbable.  
  
Talk to you later, Jim. _  
  
  
_ **  
  
  
Jim, I would like to ask you a question.  
  
_Go ahead  
  
_ I am currently involved in a human custom that is, I believed, called a ‘dinner party’. One of my colleagues recently asked me if I have anyone special in my life. I wish to ask you whether the phrase refers to you.  
  
Jim?  
  
_Sorry Spock I had to get out of the house because I didn’t want to tell Bones what you wrote and he kept asking and it was getting a bit scary, Bones can be intense sometimes  
  
You’re asking me if I want to be your boyfriend  
  
_ Am I?  
  
_Yeah, kind of  
  
‘Anyone special’ could be a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a significant other or a spouse or whatever you choose  
  
_ Jim, I believe I wish to meet you before I decide whether I wish to be bonded with you.  
  
_Spock I’m so not going to agree to get BONDED with anyone without meeting them first, not even you  
  
Don’t worry  
  
What did you say to your colleague by the way?  
  
The one who was probably gently trying to hit on you by asking if you’re single  
  
_ I told her I would research the subject before I discuss it further.  
  
_Well then  
  
You can call me ‘someone special’ if you want to  
  
I think I’ve been embarrassingly clear about being far too involved in this already so what the hell  
  
Spock?  
  
_ I informed her that I have come to conclusion that I indeed have someone special in my life. She asked me who it was and I told her. She seemed very emotionally surprised.  
  
_Oh Spock  
  
What’s her name?  
  
_ She now wishes to inform me that you have ‘charm’ but you do not ‘stick’.  
  
Her name is Emily Taylor.  
  
_Okay I’m happy to hear that. I may have once slept with a teacher, only it happened by accident but in any case it would have been mortifying for me if they were now giving you tips about my  
  
About me in bed  
  
But it surely wasn’t Emily Taylor  
  
_ She wishes to inform you that you two have not had sex.  
  
_SPOCK YOU DIDN’T ASK HER  
  
You can’t do a thing like that  
  
_ Since you seemed uncertain whether you had had sexual intercourse with her or not, it was only logical to ask her. Also, I would have been glad to receive some ‘tips’.  
  
_What the hell  
  
_ You humans have odd customs anyway. You seem to talk about this ‘sex’ all the time. Even my students talk about it in the class. I do not see why me asking Emily Taylor if she has participated in sexual acts with you is a more peculiar thing to do than my students talking about ‘banging that sweet guy from the language club’ while they should be studying basic physics of warp theory.  
  
_Well you can’t just ask people whom they have had sex with  
  
_ I did not. I asked if they have had sex with you.  
  
_Spock are you drunk?  
  
You told me Vulcans don’t get drunk  
  
And what do you mean you would have wanted tips  
  
_ I am not drunk. However, there may have been chocolate cake as the dessert. Chocolate has a compromising effect on my brain functions.  
  
_Okay you’re Vulcan kind of drunk  
  
Now about those tips  
  
Are you nervous about having sex with me?  
  
_ I cannot answer that question.  
  
_Come on Spock if you are nervous you’ll have to tell me and I’ll tell you it’s alright and there’s nothing to worry about  
  
I’m so nervous about meeting you after I’ve told you all my stupid relationship problems that my knees are shaking a little now that I think about it  
  
_ ‘Nervous’ sounds like a human emotion. Nonetheless, I am experiencing uncertainty that is probably connected to my lack of knowledge on the subject. I will need to thoroughly research human mating habits.  
  
_Your lack of knowledge  
  
Are you trying to say that Vulcan sex is completely different?  
  
_ Negative, although social customs considering the subject are quite different.  
  
_So let me guess, you’ve never been with a guy  
  
Is that it?  
  
_ Your guess is essentially correct but, as you might say, ‘that’s not the point’.  
  
_Help me out here Spock  
  
I don’t want you to be nervous about having sex with me so I need to know if there’s something specific about it that worries you  
  
_ I asked Emily Taylor if it is usual in your culture that a person of your age has participated in acts of sexual nature with several people. She confirmed it.  
  
You are younger than me.  
  
_Oh Spock  
  
You haven’t had sex  
  
Is that it?  
  
That’s why you’re worried  
  
_ Affirmative, although I am not ‘worried’. I am logically concerned. I may lack knowledge and experience that I should have by your cultural standards.  
  
_Well Spock  
  
I have had sex with a few guys but it’s been, how can I say it, horizontal kissing and having your hand in your partner’s underpants kind of sex  
  
I’ve mostly dated women  
  
And I’ve never had sex with a Vulcan  
  
And I’ve never had sex with you  
  
Which I think is pretty much the point  
  
So what if I have some experience on how to flirt with a pretty girl so that they might want to come home with me for a night or two before they realize what I lack  
  
That’s so not going to help me here  
  
So don’t worry  
  
If you don’t know how to use a condom, I’ll show you  
  
If we do something that we’ll need a condom for  
  
Spock?  
  
Are you alright? I hope you aren’t drowning yourself in chocolate  
  
_ Indeed I am not. Emily Taylor approached me to make enquiries about my well-being. I have now informed her about my lack of experience in this certain area and she is stroking my shoulder and telling me that it’s going to be alright and she always thought you have a heart in the right place. The situation is slightly uncomfortable because of my telepathic skills. However, I am relieved to hear about the place of your heart.  
  
_Thank you Spock  
  
So Emily is comforting you now  
  
_ She says you are probably jealous and that you are welcome to have me.  
  
_Well thank you Emily  
  
Spock please go somewhere where I can message you without thinking about Emily Taylor on your shoulder  
  
Are you okay with the sex thing?  
  
_ Affirmative.  
  
Emily wants to dance with me.  
  
_Okay I see that I’ve lost now  
  
Have fun Spock  
  
Eat that chocolate cake  
  
I’ll talk to you in the morning  
  
_ Good night, Jim.  
  
  
**  
  
  
Jim, I wish to offer you my sincere apology. I may have been mentally compromised last night.  
  
_‘May have’  
  
You danced with my teacher you Vulcan heart-breaker  
  
I’m just teasing, my heart is fine  
  
Do you have a hangover from the chocolate?  
  
Please say you do, I’m trying to imagine you in your pajamas   
  
_ I am currently naked.  
  
_SPOCK  
  
_ You asked.  
  
_I DIDN’T  
  
But I’m happy to hear that  
  
So hangover then?  
  
_ I am no longer naked. I am now wearing black underpants and a black t-shirt.  
  
_Thanks for the update  
  
I’m sure you look hot  
  
SPOCK YOU SENT ME A PICTURE  
  
Is this still because of the chocolate??  
  
You look VERY GOOD by the way  
  
Very serious too, and your hair is a bit messed up  
  
_ I apologize for that. I have not had time to tidy it this morning.  
  
I find that I like the human custom of dancing.  
  
However, I regret that I may have caused you discomfort due to my compromised state.  
  
_Stop that  
  
You didn’t  
  
I’m happy you told me what was bothering you  
  
Do you want to talk about it?  
  
_ Negative. I wish to eat a healthy breakfast and go to the lab for approximately 2.4 Earth hours.  
  
I also to wish to continue writing my paper on human behavior.  
  
I have found new angles on the subject.  
  
_I’m sure you have  
  
Spock  
  
Bones and me have decided that we’ll come back to San Francisco tomorrow evening  
  
So perhaps a day after tomorrow  
  
We could go for a date  
  
_ That is acceptable.  
  
Jim, I am delighted that you will be here.  
  
_Me too  
  
  
_ **  
  
  
_So that paper of yours  
  
How is it going?  
  
Have you solved the mysteries of human behavior?  
  
_ ‘Human behavior’ cannot be solved, it can only be partially understood and tolerated.  
  
_Bones says he agrees with you  
  
I think you two have a lot in common because you’re both trying to partially understand and tolerate me  
  
_ Jim, that is not what I meant.  
  
_I know  
  
So have you got the chocolate out of your system?  
  
Did you dance on the tables when you were in the lab?  
  
_ I did not.  
  
_We’re trying to clean the house here  
  
So that we can leave tomorrow  
  
Bones is weirdly cheerful  
  
I think he forgets that he doesn’t get rid of me even when we get back  
  
Spock I’m excited to meet you  
  
_ I too am emotionally compromised.  
  
I trust that you will tell no one.  
  
_I already told Bones  
  
But yeah of course  
  
_  
**  
  
  
_Spock what are we going to do on our date?_  
  
Jim, do you wish to state an activity you would prefer?  
  
_I think we could just hang out  
  
I mean  
  
I could come to your place  
  
Or you can come to mine but I kind of have Bones included into my room  
  
_ You are welcome to come to visit my apartment.  
  
_Great  
  
So I’ll come to your place and I’ll knock on the door  
  
Metaphorically  
  
And you’ll open the door  
  
‘Spock,’ I say  
  
‘Jim,’ you say  
  
You look slightly irritated because I illogically stated the obvious, in other words your name  
  
But you get over it quickly because I’m smiling and you think my smile is very pretty  
  
Actually I’m smiling very awkwardly because I’m SO NERVOUS but you don’t know it because you’re a cool Vulcan and all that  
  
You invite me in_

 _I don’t know where to sit or what to do and so I kind of try to hug you because it’s a very human thing to do but then I realize in the last minute that you’re a touch-telepath and it’s probably a bit rude to start touching you the second I meet you  
  
So I’ll just grab your shoulders or something instead  
  
You’ll cock an eyebrow at me  
  
It’s your way of saying ‘really, Jim’  
  
I let you go now but reluctantly because really I just kind of want to have my hands all over you  
  
That’s your fault by the way because you told me about your firm Vulcan muscle tissue  
  
But anyway I’ll behave myself  
  
I now sit on the sofa or whatever you have  
  
You offer me something to drink, I’d say probably water  
  
We talk very nervously for a while  
  
I try to do small talk but you keep messing it up you adorable Vulcan thing and I can’t help smiling even though I’m so nervous that my toes are tingling  
  
And okay I’ll give you options here  
  
We can just talk or sit in silence or whatever we like  
  
I can pick an old movie about humans doing irrational things and we can watch it and you can be very irritated and confused about those emotional humans  
  
And in the end of it I want to hug you again but won’t because I’m a gentleman  
  
I’ll just pat you on your arm and you’ll watch me with your dark eyes that go through to my SOUL and make me shiver very romantically  
  
And I’ll turn around and go home  
  
And then another option, I hope you’re still with me  
  
So we’re doing that small talk but very poorly and my toes are tingling  
  
And then in some point of it I accidentally brush your wrist or something  
  
And you blink your eyes very pointedly and stare at me  
  
And I realize that oh shit you read my thoughts through my skin  
  
My thoughts that weren’t exactly proper at the moment  
  
Because I was thinking about what it would be like to kiss you  
  
And then maybe, just MAYBE I put my arms on your shoulders  
  
Only if you want me to  
  
Shirt or no shirt, you decide  
  
And I pull you closer  
  
Until there’s no air in between of us at all  
  
And don’t tell me that’s physically impossible because I know that you git, I’m only trying to be romantic here  
  
You place your palms on my sides, probably under my shirt  
  
And I’m worried about my muscle tissue and you know that because you can fucking READ MY MIND  
  
Which is a bit insane by the way  
  
But like in a good way  
  
And then you suddenly want to show me where your bedroom is  
  
I don’t have an idea what we’re going to do there but we’ll figure it out  
  
Because at that point I know I like you A LOT  
  
And I mean A LOT  
  
So that’s pretty much it  
  
But we can skip the sex part if you want  
  
I’m in no rush  
  
I’m always in rush and it has never made me any good  
  
What do you think?  
  
Spock?  
  
Please say something  
  
Okay I’ve probably embarrassed myself as I always knew I would  
  
I’m going to drink a beer and complain to Bones  
  
_ Jim, please do not intoxicate yourself on my behalf.  
  
I did not have a chance to inform you that I am currently on a meeting with student.  
  
I have found your story extremely fascinating but this student is seriously distressed and I should try to concentrate on his problems.  
  
_Oh shit I’m sorry Spock  
  
I’m really sorry  
  
Also this is so fun  
  
I’m going to tell Bones  
  
Good luck with that student  
  
  
_ **  
  
  
My meeting with the student did not go very well. He kept enquiring why my face was ‘green’.  
  
_I told Bones that I wrote you a LOVE STORY about the two of us and the whole time you were sitting in your office with a student in front of your face  
  
He laughed so hard  
  
Bones is a very grumpy guy so I think we did a very nice thing here  
  
Offering him some entertainment  
  
_ I liked your story, Jim.  
  
_I didn’t know you ‘like’ things, Spock  
  
_ I ‘like’ you.  
  
Jim?  
  
_I don’t know if I am supposed to be happy or offended  
  
Also I kind of can’t stop smiling  
  
_ I hope that is not a medical condition.  
  
_Spock we’ve been over this  
  
Humans are irrational  
  
It’s not a medical condition  
  
_ Jim, ‘liking’ is not natural for me.  
  
It is highly probable that in some point of our friendship I will disappoint you.  
  
_Spock, in some point of our friendship I will most definitely disappoint you  
  
Because I have this tendency to rush into things and mess everything up and keep messing it up until I somehow get it fixed again  
  
So I should probably apologize right now  
  
For all the absolute inconvenience I’m going to cause you  
  
And also for when we meet and I can’t seem to keep in my mind that you’re a touch-telepath and I can’t just keep patting you like I want to  
  
_ A brief touch transfers only sensations, not something that can be easily read and understood. You do not need to worry about that.  
  
_Okay and what about long lingering touches  
  
Because I’m kind of planning to do those too  
  
If you wish me to  
  
_ If our bare skin is connected for more than a few seconds, it is fairly possible that I can sense your current feelings quite clearly.  
  
_Just tell me when I’m getting on your nerves.  
  
_ I will do that. I will now repeat that you do not have to worry.  
  
_Easier said than done  
  
Bones says I have to clean up the bathroom  
  
So I’ll go now  
  
I’ll be in San Francisco tomorrow evening  
  
And the day after tomorrow I’ll be on your doorstep  
  
_ I do not possess a doorstep, Jim.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_Spock I’m nervous  
  
We’re kind of getting ready to leave now  
  
Bones is going to have to hold my hand  
  
He says he definitely won’t  
  
But he will when I start shaking  
  
I can’t believe I’m going to see you in something like fucking twenty hours  
  
This is the first time that I meet someone I’ve told things that make me squirm internally  
  
Once again, not a medical condition  
  
What’re you doing anyway?  
  
Are you nervous too?  
  
Spock?  
  
  
_ **  
  
  
_We are now on our front door  
  
We are leaving Iowa  
  
I’m getting kind of emotional here because this is pretty much where I was standing when you messaged me and asked me if I want to be your ‘someone special’  
  
Actually you had had chocolate back then so I’m not sure if that counts  
  
Shit I kind of got used to thinking that I had ‘someone special’  
_  
  
**  
  
  
Jim, I apologize for not answering your messages. I have spent the whole day in the lab. It seems I am currently experiencing mild distress. I am pleased to regard you as ‘someone special’ despite the inaccurateness of the phrase.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_We are in San Francisco  
  
Spock we are here  
  
I’m here_  
  
  
**  
  
  
Jim, I was meditating when you contacted me. I must meditate so that I can maintain my self-control.  
  
Do you have any preference on the time when we are going to meet tomorrow?  
  
  
**  
  
  
_As soon as possible  
  
Is my preference  
  
Do you sleep long?  
  
_ Negative.  
  
_We’re now in our flat and ready to go to sleep  
  
Really I’m just going to roll from side to side on my bed and think about you  
  
Can I come there nine o’clock in the morning?  
  
_ Affirmative.  
  
_Great  
  
So I’ll try to sleep now  
  
_ Jim, you need my address.  
  
_No I don’t  
  
I hacked the Academy database and checked it  
  
Isn’t that romantic  
  
Good night Spock  
  
_ Good night, Jim.  
  
  
**  
  
  
_Spock I’m coming over  
  
I’m actually very nervous  
  
I may not be able to talk when I get there but please make me sit down and give me a glass of water and pat me on my shoulder and I’ll come around eventually  
  
And be nice about my stupid human emotions  
  
They are very fragile  
  
_ Jim, I am as well nervous and I am waiting for you.  
  
_Thank god  
  
  
_ **  
  
  
_So I’m kind of standing in front of your door now_  
  
Acknowledged.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the epilogue, please remember to read chapter 3 as well ;)

EPILOGUE  
  
  
__  
Spock  
  
Spooock  
  
Spooooock  
  
Jim, ‘what the hell’? You are sitting in your chair 3.27 meters away from me. If you wish to address me by my name, you do not need your communicator to accomplish that.  
  
_Spock I’m bored_  
  
_There’s nothing going ON_  
  
You seem to refer to the fact that we are currently not in an imminent danger.  
  
_No no_  
  
_I like it when everything goes nicely and no one dies_  
  
_But nothing is HAPPENING_  
  
Captain, Lieutenant Uhura is ‘eyeing’ me ‘knowingly’. I believe she has noticed that you and I are messaging with our communicators even though there is not, may I remind you, an obstacle present that would prevent me from hearing your voice, should you decide to speak aloud.  
  
_Well what can you expect Uhura is frighteningly smart_  
  
_Can we go to our rooms after the shift? I really want to go down on you Officer_  
  
Captain, I have repeatedly asked you not to sex text me while I am working.  
  
_This is not sex texting_  
  
_This is me providing you data about why we are sending messages and not talking_  
  
Captain, I seem to notice that you have blushed.  
  
_Fuck you Spock_  
  
_I really shouldn’t blush at my own flirting_  
  
_I think Uhura is watching me. She sees I’m blushed doesn’t she_  
  
Affirmative.  
  
You are very pink, Captain.  
  
_You are very cruel, Mr. Spock._  
  
_Also I love you_  
  
I love you as well, Captain.  
  
Also, I believe there is an unidentified object approaching us. It seems to be something unknown to mankind until this moment. I need to gather more data to estimate whether it is dangerous or not, but I suggest we prepare ourselves for a possible attack of an unknown nature.  
  
_Finally something’s happening_  
  
_Also Spock you might want to say that one aloud so that my crew will know why I'm suddenly worried_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is! Writing this story has been so fun and I want to thank all of you for those kudos and comments, they've made my day :)


End file.
